"What's the real deal on the outrageous increase in gasoline prices?" Asked reporter IMUS B. AMORUN, to Chief Executive Officer 'OTTA GITCHA' of OIL COMPANY GIANT 'U.R.A.S.', (YOU ARE A SUCKER). "It appears that you raise the price of gasoline before the holidays and right before summer begins. What kind of a joke is that. You always have an excuse for doing that. You tell us that a refinery is broken and needs to be repaired, or the cost of a barrel of crude oil is up and that it's out of your control because it is controlled by 'OPEC', (OIL PRICES EXCITE CORPORATIONS)."
"We are an honest oil company and we would never manipulate the price of gasoline! It's just a co-incidence that this happens at certain times of the year. It's a complicated system to make gasoline. First, we have to get it from somewhere and it's costly to do that. We usually get the oil in barrels from other countries. We need to have the barrels made of solid gold to keep the crude oil fresh. There's nothing worse than having stale oil to deal with. A barrel of crude oil varies with the cost of gold. In otherwords, if they use 24 karat gold barrels and the cost of gold goes up to say $99.00, that means it's the best quality crude oil that we can get. The higher quality the gold barrel, the better the oil is. People just don't understand that we're in the OIL business, NOT the GOLD MARKET! We are always watching out for the consumer and we want to give them the best oil possible for their money. You wouldn't want to have your oil come in 14 karat gold barrels, that would just make the oil go sour and your cars would notice the difference." Exclaimed OTTA GITCHA.
"What?! Do I understand you correctly! If oil didn't come in gold barrels the cost of oil would be less? I'm losing my sense of humor!" Gasped IMUS B. AMORUN. "What's the actual cost of the crude oil without the gold barrel then?"
"Well, if it came in ordinary barrels, the oil would cost about 20 cents, but you seem to be missing the point here. It's not the quantity of oil we're after, it's quality of oil for you consumers. We still have to take the crude oil and refine it. Our oil workers have to take a hose and syphon the crude oil into big holding containers from each barrel. That's a hard job to do. A lot of the workers accidently swallow too much and get sick. That slows us way down. Then the workers have to decide what direction to turn the valve so that the oil will flow out of the big containers into the fuel trucks. Sometimes, we have to hire an expert in the field of 'how to correctly turn a valve'. It's confusing to the oil workers, some of them don't know clockwise from counter-clockwise, or right or left, but if we painted an arrow on the valve, that would increase the cost of gasoline and then you would pay for that at the gas station!" OTTA GITCHA said.
"I assume that you send the gold barrels back to the countries that you got the oil from to be recycled and refilled right, otherwise, that would be a waste of money?!" Quizzed reporter IMUS B. AMORUN.
"Oh, heavens no, that would contaminate the next batch of oil if we sent them back to be refilled! Could you imagine what would happen if we did that! Your cars would be furious and wouldn't run properly. Not only that, but those countries already have too much gold, poor folks over there have to build their houses out of gold. They don't have trees like we do here! I just make the used barrels into planter boxes, that's all they're good for. We have to look out for our customers and their cars because we care about them. It's beyond me why people complain about the cost of gasoline, we can't help that! We don't make a dime in this business. When the cost of gasoline goes up we all suffer. We're in the same boat as the consumers. We aren't out to make a profit that's for sure. It's tough I'll tell you what! I had to cut our staff of maids and butlers from 50 to 49, and last week I had to go a whole day without my imported caviar. My private jet sat in the runway at my house because my private pilot didn't have enough gas in his car to make it to work. So I had to have my chauffeur drive me out to my 150 foot yacht, and it took all day to get to RUSSIA for my caviar. I was pretty tired after the trip Fortunately, I have a villa just to the west of there overlooking the ocean, it's kind of small though, it only has 30 bedrooms and 15 baths. Yup, it's tough on all of us, so don't blame the oil companies, place the blame on the gold market. " OTTA GITCHA complained.
YUP, WE HAVE TO AGREE; 'TIS THE SEASON, WHAT A GAS. "FILL 'ER UP??!!"